So…

I just had the orgasm of the century. Remember that Mento in a Diet Coke two-liter experiment that exploded on the internet about 15 years ago? Well, no—it wasn’t like that. But it was intense, and one of those “starts three minutes before it ends” kind of orgasms.... And guess what? It wasn’t due to some steamy extramarital affair with some porn star from an XXX adult film called Stranger Thongs.... This was because of the potent cocktail of THC and aphrodisiac properties that are in certain modern cannabis products, mixed with a Livinia Sex Gummy, some terpene-forward flower, and a female pheromone arousal oil. I may have sprained an ankle.

In the past few years, modern cannabis has refined multiple new products that can enhance one’s sexual libido and appetite to a point where the adjective “purple” can be used to visually describe an erection....

Okay, let me start at the beginning.

I’m pretty sure I wasn’t Hiii magazine’s first choice to write an article about cannabis and sex.... I have never seen a “sex” writer per se—and I haven’t had much Carrie Brashaw-like sex appeal since around the mid aughts. But, after explaining to Hiii publisher Pam that my wife of 21 years and I were looking for something to enhance our somewhat ‘dormant’ sex life, her ears perked up....

“Hey, maybe that could work,” she said. “Would your wife want to be a part of a sex experiment?”

“Uhmmmm....”

Cannabis and sex share a long history. In India, cannabis has been used as a sexual enhancer since the seventh century. Numerous historical texts say that tantric sex practices have used the good herb as a way to make the sexual experience last as long as possible. Remember when the rock star Sting told the world that he and his wife had regular eight-hour lovemaking marathons? He chalked it up to tantric sex. My guess is that Sting also had his hands on some sort of terpene nearby. I just hope his wife doesn’t call him the King of Pain.

The aphrodisiac properties of cannabis have been worshipped since the dawn of time. Studies have discovered that due to the effect it has on the body’s physiological systems, THC interacts with the endocannabinoid system, which plays an important role in arousal and pleasure. Physical touch becomes more pleasing. Enjoyment is amplified.

And recently Pam told me something to the effect of, there has been an onslaught of new sexual arousal products released in the cannabis world that could open me up to some “uncontrollable and violent mind-bending orgasms.”

“I’ll take the story,” I told her.

I did a little research and realized that there was only one dispensary in the Los Angeles area that I needed to visit... Pleasure Med on Santa Monica Boulevard. In Hiii’s second issue, we covered this all-in-one cannabis-bar-lounge alongside the infamous adult sex shop, the Pleasure Chest, where Tommy Lee and Pam bought all that crazy shit before filming the honeymoon sex tape. As a younger man, the Pleasure Chest seemed to me like a forbidden palace of sin. Maybe one of my early girlfriends bought something like a French Tickler there, but in the 20-plus years that I have been married, the only time I’ve been in the Pleasure Chest was when I bought an Alexis Texas Fleshlight for a friend as a bachelor party joke. (Full disclosure: I kept it.)

Walking into a dispensary still makes me nervous. I think it’s probably because I will never be able to fully silence the inner childhood voice that taught me cannabis was evil and dangerous. In high school in the 1990’s, obtaining cannabis was never this easy. You had to buy a $60 eighth from a dealer named Kush, who made you watch him play three games of Tony Hawkʼs Pro Skater before he weighed out the goods in his living room…

But today, especially in Los Angeles, it’s ridiculously easy. After scanning my ID at Pleasure Med, I was led into the most beautiful dispensary I have ever seen. I caught a glimpse of a few Hiii mags on the lounge tables, but it was taking me longer than I had expected to summon the courage to ask for what I needed. I haven’t exactly bought many THC aphrodisiacs in my life.

“Uhm—I’m here for sex stuff?” I meekly said to a tattooed budtender named OG MOKER behind the counter. “I write for Hiii magazine.”

“Ah dope, bro. What’s your budget?”

“A hundred bucks,” I said.

“Shiiit, you ain’t gonna get much for a hundred bucks.”

OG Moker broke down a few different flower strains for me, including “Royal Cherry Diesel” and “Wedding Cake” that he said would add 15 years to my marriage. He then showed me some other newer products on the market and even gave me some sound advice.

“Don’t fall for Big Erection Pharma,” he said.

“Big Erection Pharma?” I questioned.

“HIMS, Viagra, Cialis—sure, they’ll give you a six-hour rager, but one day your heart’s gonna explode.”

“What about gas station boner pills?” I asked, thinking about one that I saw at the Chevron near my house called Black Rhino.

“Uhm, I’d probably avoid those.”

OG Moker recommended I try some Lavinia Sex Gummies with Guarana, horny goat weed extract, and something called Longjack. He told me that a former nun named Katie had started the company so, “You know this shit is fire.”

He went on about the heightened sense of touch and pleasure and advised me to “have one glass of wine to relax you....”

“You’re gonna feel like Leonardo DiCaprio at a Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show.”

He then advised me to expand my experiment into “oils.”

“No Diddy?” I said.

“Nah, it’s an orgasm oil... for your wife. Trust me, this stuff has caused more breakups than a Ryan Gosling movie.”

“That’s comforting....”

When you are over 20 years into a relationship with the same person, “spicing up” your love life is, well... challenging. My wife and I have tried the role-playing thing, but I wasn’t a very convincing 6’9” NBA player.... And she got sick of acting out the role of my high school journalism teacher. (I made her wear the Liz Claiborne perfume.) If you ask anybody in a long-term committed relationship, you’ll hear the same thing: sex... when kids are around... is nearly impossible. Especially with all the activities and the mother-in-laws in the guest rooms and the fact that, well, pornography is only three screen touches away on your smartphone.

After all was said and done, I had five items in my cart along with some Sour Diesel flower. OG Moker convinced me to buy the sex gummies, Yummi Karma aphrodisiac droplets, High Desert Pure Cannabis Bath Salt, and a vaginal suppository. He also convinced me to buy oh.hi lube and a “Lube Launcher” called oh.hello—which immediately put Nick Kroll and John Mulaney’s voices into my head asking for “Too Much Tuna.”

Not a very sexy name for a sex enhancer....

“Why are most of these catered towards women?” I inquired.

“Cause most men get turned on by a slight breeze.... You’ll be good with the gummy—but trust me, your wife is gonna love this shit.”

There was one problem. This stuff was expensive. On average, most of these prices were around $50 each. (The gummies were a steal at $20.) When all was said and done, I was looking at a $250 charge. I texted Pam and asked permission to more than double the cost of this experiment.

“Put it on your card, we’ll reimburse you.”

Walking out of Pleasure Med with a bag full of sexual cannabis products, I wasn’t sure if I had just been duped or if I had unlocked the door to a sexual freedom I’ve been missing for a long time. It sort of reminded me of when I had buyer’s remorse from purchasing a three-pack of “irregular” underwear from Ross Dress for Less.

Hiii magazine rented us a room at the Hollywood Roosevelt Hotel and we checked in like two teenagers after a prom date. I made sure to bring the Fleshlight—just in case it would come in handy—and we split an edible before heading down to the pool bar.

We sat on the deck chairs. There was a giddiness about the situation. I showed her the other goods I was holding, like the THC bath gel and the oh.hi lubricant, but when I mentioned that I also had the aphrodisiac drops upstairs, my wife’s interest piqued.

“Give me one NOW,” she said. We took the elevator to our room, telling our fellow riders that we were super high and about to do a sex experiment for a cannabis magazine. They quietly nodded and went back to looking at their phones. We giggled, always thrilled to offend tourists visiting Hollywood from Minnesota.

About 45 minutes later the gummies kicked in. My wife took a Yummi Karma droplet under her tongue and we turned down the bed sheets, not knowing what to expect. At first, we just giggled. Time passed. We discussed putting on pornography. It was weird.... We were nervous. Could my heart even handle this? I was convinced this could just be a big ruse.... Like when I bought up Bored Ape NFTs back in 2021.

“Should we try the suppository?” I asked.

“Hell no,” my wife replied.

And then, suddenly, everything turned. My wife transformed into a woman I haven't seen since right after our first date 24 years earlier. She grabbed me and pulled me toward her body and for about thirty minutes straight we were back in the throes of passion. It began with a sensual glide of a finger against.... OKAY. STOPPING HERE. Look, I’m not a romance novelist, and nobody needs to read the story of how two people over 45 nakedly destroyed a hotel room for a cannabis magazine.

All I know is, at one point, my wife told me that I had an “EQUINE PHALLUS.”

I may start an OnlyFans under that name.

The next day we woke up following one of the best nights of sleep of our lives. We both felt 25 again. We were inspired and frankly amazed that we had actually pulled off this ‘sexperiment.’ I suggested that we take a couple of the sex gummies so that we could get right back on the horse—but we both knew that there was a kid’s dance carpool to drive and a normal life to return to. We checked out and when we were about halfway home I became convinced I’d left my Alexis Texas Fleshlight in the closet.

But we didn’t care…. This experience was pretty awesome. We were still partially high…. And that was night one. With the amount of product I was holding, I had enough to last us for likely the rest of our lives.

Over the past two weeks we have tried all of the products…. Overall, I’d suggest skipping the bath salt and staying with the edibles and the oh.hi lubricant—if anything. But whatever your sexual appetite, there are plenty of new products on the market that can get you where you need to be. Definitely ditch the HIMS and Viagra and gas station boner pills and check out the products that we messed around with (see list below). You’ll thank me sooner than later.

And if you ever get the Hollywood Roosevelt Hotel and find my Fleshlight, send it my way as quickly as possible. I just took a sex edible.

Zach Selwyn is an actor, writer, and musician. Selwyn has written for TV and published a collection of short stories, Talent Will Get You Nowhere. His novel, Austin Translation, is a comedic murder mystery and the first of the Stoner Chronicles Trilogy. His band Zachariah & the Lobos Riders has released six albums.

Yummi Karma Aphrodisiac Love Potion

This one works fast. Like, 15-20 seconds fast. Libido improves, anxiety disappears. It’s been a long time since I was on street ecstasy and massaging strangers at a nightclub.... But this will leave you wanting to touch, grab, feel, and caress something—even yourself. YummiKarma.com

oh.hi Cannabis Lubricant

Lube has always been something that I’ve either loved or hated. This brand was very effective, but almost unnecessary since you’re already pretty revved up from all the other products. However, if your body struggles to produce natural moisture, go full speed ahead. OhLavinia.com

Hello Again Vaginal Suppository

This was the one we saved for last... and as the package explained, it made my wife feel GYNO-MITE. Things seemed clarified and her mood was enhanced. Again, unnecessary if you take one of the other products.... It doesn’t take much to get where you want to be, so don’t overdo it. HelloAgainProducts.com

High Desert Pure Lavender Bath Salt

The physical sensation of bathing in a THC bath that has sexual properties will stimulate both female and male participants. This one left us feeling a little more relaxed than amorous, however.... But it certainly contributed to the physical enjoyment of both of our climaxes. HighDesertPure.com

Lavinia Before Sex Cannabis-Infused Gummies

This was by far my favorite product. I took a half—as recommended for infrequent edible users—and thirty minutes later everything became hypersensual and erogenous. Every touch felt like, to quote the great Greg Giraldo, “the tongue of God.” As far as straight male aphrodisiac experiences go, this is probably the best one you’re gonna have. Be prepared though.... After your lovemaking you will be high for at least three more hours, or until round two. OhLavinia.com